What Was That?
I hate scary movies. I refuse to watch them. I’m not a fan of Halloween. I despise zombies, anything with long-ass fingernails, and hockey masks. I do NOT think it’s funny to jump out of closets and scare the bejesus out of someone. I do NOT like to be scared. It doesn’t thrill me.
My home office is on our lower level and the desk is right next to a sliding glass door. The door leads out to a patio and has a view of the pond with a really pretty fountain that runs during the day to keep the water aerated. You can see the office nook in the photo below (that I might have stolen from our property listing website). And you can see the glass doors riiiiiiight above that white cat’s butt.
I love to sit down there with the slider open and let the fresh air in. It’s a huge perk of working from home.
The downside? With that lovely fountain running, I can’t hear SHIT. Numerous times EHH has come home, walked down the stairs and into the office, said hello and witnessed me jump RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF MY SKIN. And then curse him over and over for not properly announcing himself only for him to say that he did call out when he walked in the front door and there was no answer.
Lovely.
I naturally assume whenEVER I hear random sounds that the murderers have finally found me. I always have an escape plan. For example, I’m WELL AWARE that if I hear anything I could deem negative, I can simply grab my phone, walk right out the slider, call 911 from the yard and the cops would be here in a jiffy.
But do you actually think I’d head out that door? No. I have to go research the noise first! This is how all those people in those movies I refuse to watch get JACKED. UP! Why can’t I learn from Hollywood’s their mistakes?
Today, while sitting in the home office with the slider open (and fountain on), working away on important work THINGS, and listening to my Michael Jackson tribute station on Pandora, I heard a noise.
And then I heard it again.
The cats, usually my litmus tests, didn’t move from the open slider. Either they didn’t hear it or they didn’t care enough to pull themselves away from the fresh air.
Thump.
The hell?
So I got up. I IM’d one of my friends that I was talking to at the time and told her that if I wasn’t back in 10 minutes to call 911.
I went upstairs. I saw that the front door was locked and relaxed a bit. But then, what if they just came in and closed the door behind them like polite little murderers. I saw the slider in the living room open. And then remembered I left it like that. So I thought, well, they probably put a ladder up to the deck, climbed in and came in through that door because YOU were the asshole that left it open! But then, duh, I’m sitting downstairs with the door open right next to where they’d have to put the ladder. I’d definitely see that. It’s not like I zone out THAT bad.
But what if I did.
So I grabbed the butcher knife from the kitchen and started creeping around listening to the sound of my own breathing get faster and more deliberate. I crept around the main level. I crept up the stairs. I listened in the hallways and at the doorway of each room. I didn’t DARE open closets. I didn’t look behind the shower curtain. I KNOW BETTER THAN THAT.
Nothing.
So whatever. I came back downstairs passing the stupid, white cat on the way down. I closed the slider and turned down the music. So much for my nice relaxing, productive atmosphere.
I told EHH over IM and he launched into how I’d need a golf club, not a butcher knife.
Nice.
I’M FINE. REALLY.
Then I heard it again.
Thump.
THUMP THUMP.
The cat started to growl. He was still upstairs, but I could hear him. The fat cat ran under the bed.
FUCKING CRAP. I’M GOING TO DIE.
Then I heard a voice.
Shit! There really IS someone upFUCKINGstairs! There’s someone in my house, there’s someone in my house!
Remember the escape plan? Yeah.
Nah.
MrrrrrOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
(high pitched mumble)
And up the stairs I went. Without my knife. At this point I just figured I’d succumb. Perhaps I could negotiate with the killers. Maybe they’d want jewelry. Maybe I could offer up some electronics. EHH wouldn’t mind. I mean, if it SAVED his WIFE, he could easily give up XBOX. At least I hope so.
I heard the voice again as I was about halfway up the stairs. And it sounded familiar, but nothing I could pinpoint. My next thought was that I was naturally going to get killed by someone I knew. That’s the way it happens in those dumb movies, right? Your best friend like all of a sudden turns on you? And kills your whole family while you watch? And then comes after you in that house by the lake? But you hide in the attic? Am I RIGHT?
I rounded the corner expecting to find the murderers talking about their plan to kill me standing casually in the living room.
Instead I heard,
“GREEN HAND”
And I saw the cat.
With this in his mouth:
“HUG ME!”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
That was two hours ago.
My heart rate is only now returning to normal.
totally understand. have had similar things happen in my house. too funny!
krystyn´s last blog ..1st class recap
July 8th, 2009 | #
This is why I love you.
samantha jo campen´s last blog ..My new baby
July 8th, 2009 | #
OMG! Sorry you got so freaked …
Hey! That picture up there {see top of post}!!! That’s MY room … so nice and clean! Bet it’s just waiting anxiously for me … as anxiously as I am to visit it again … =)
July 8th, 2009 | #
Glad I’m not the only one who goes chasing after murderous toys!
dee´s last blog ..As If Disney Wasn’t Getting Enough of My Money Already
July 8th, 2009 | #
You totally had me on the edge of my seat. I hate scary movies too. Time to donate that toy to charity.
AnnetteK´s last blog ..it’s good to be home
July 8th, 2009 | #
I’m laughing. But I swear it’s not at you. I hate the provebial Things That Go Bump in the Night. Sets me all on edge. And don’t even get me started on where my mind goes if I have to run out to my car or to the dumpster late at night because it can’t wait. Oh the scenarios… I really should never tell you about the time I was closing the clubhouse (in one of the active senior communities) at one of my former jobs though…
Dawn´s last blog ..i’ve come to realize…
July 8th, 2009 | #
I’m laughing my ass off at you. But, only because I am the SAME way. I have an escape plan. I have been on the phone and told the person if they hear a scuffle, they are to call 911. I’ve ripped open shower curtains ready to bludgeon someone with a wiffle bat.
I’ve been freaked the hell out by voices from toys that are buried deep in a closet or toy box that have batteries slowly dying.
So, I can laugh. Because I’m you. Only you’re cuter, funnier and way more cool than I am.
Kellie´s last blog ..My Mind’s in Colorado
July 8th, 2009 | #
This is my favorite Pocklock post EVER!!!
July 8th, 2009 | #
I hate that effing puppy. It has scared the crap out of me more times than I care to talk about. (My hubby claims I am just jumpy.) Sabrina loves that stupid thing with everything in her so I can’t make him disappear. And I had to stop turning him off because it reminded her that the volume button has a loud and soft option and she started imitating me and opening the back to turn it up.
Glad it was just the puppy. LOL
July 8th, 2009 | #
HA!
Im with EHH. A bat or a golf club would do fine. You’ll probably freak and end up stabbing yourself.
July 8th, 2009 | #
HA! I hate that flippin dog. We put it in the Goodwill bag after I had come into the living room for the 30th time int he middle of the night and it talked to me, with no touching or prompting. When the Goodwill guys came to pick it up, he dropped the bag because it said “I love you”.
nora´s last blog ..Tuesday – that’s all I got
July 8th, 2009 | #
That was hillarious! I couldn’t stop laughing!
July 9th, 2009 | #
I hate that dog. The worst is driving down the road with that thing in the waaaaaaaay back of the car and it. won’t. shut. up.
lilfootsmommy´s last blog ..A tale of two different hats
July 9th, 2009 | #
Awesome, for us to read, not for you to live through that is! I agree – that puppy is possessed!!
McCashew´s last blog ..molecules of wonderfulness
July 9th, 2009 | #
Glad to see you are getting the creative post brain waves back, however next time GET THE HELL OUT OF THE HOUSE………..
July 9th, 2009 | #
No wonder you were freaked out…I’d have been scared out of my mind too….
Kat´s last blog ..hypocritical
July 9th, 2009 | #
Been there, done that! I hate that toy! Oh and I joined the world of blogging today and I thought I would let you know! You can snoop on my blog too now!
Joely´s last blog ..Hopped on the wagon!
July 16th, 2009 | #