Next
I read Amalah’s post about her being on this side of the Two Week Wait and it really got me thinking.
The whole Are We Done? question is always met with a HUGE resounding NO around here. We know there’s more in store for us, but the question of when is burning away.
We ignore all the family and friends and complete RANDOM STRANGERS cooing over Lyla and then immediately asking when Number Two will be arriving. I’ve been pretty relaxed and polite about my answers thus far. I’m the excuse queen. Some of my excuses, albeit completely acceptable responses include:
“When we get a bigger house.”
“Well, we can’t afford to put two in daycare right now.”
“I’m not ready for those newborn weeks quite yet. I’m not really over it.”
“We’re just trying to enjoy everything about Lyla right now.”
And then I look at this baby, who’s quickly exiting the baby stage, and I yearn for another. And that voice in my head starts telling me that I’m not getting any younger and how people my age are done having kids, what with their oldest practically ready for middle school. And I start to wonder. What is next?
Yes, we need a bigger house. We have a three bedroom, but the third bedroom is on the lower level; two floors away from our bedroom. I can’t put a baby three floors below us. But Lyla’s bedroom is big. And with a little re-arranging (and a storage unit rental), two kids could easily fit. Not to mention, I’d be pregnant for ten-months and also, just a reminder, if a new baby is anything like its older sister, it would sleep with on me for three five months. Quick math, carry the one, that gives us over a YEAR to solve the house problem. Hmmm.
No, we really couldn’t afford to put two kids in daycare and say, well, eat. However, I could probably hire a full time Nanny for what I’m paying daycare right now and then enroll Lyla part time just to a) give the Nanny a break and b) keep her in a school that she and I both love. So. Hmmm.
And no, I absolutely haven’t forgotten how terrible those first couple of months were. I haven’t forgotten the never ending screaming, the hideous sleepless days and nights; not knowing which was which, the awful helpless feeling, and the unanswered question of WHY the FUCK are YOU STILL CRYING!? I quite vividly remember the laps around the house, the constant dancing and rocking and swaying and shhhh-ing. Remaining immobile for 2-3 hours during the day, unable to pee, or answer the phone, or get a drink once she fell asleep on my chest. I totally remember.
However, I also know that it ended. That eventually I wound up with a happy, smiley, giggling cutie-pie that lit up every second of each day that I got to see her little face. That soon she was sleeping 10-12 hours a night, napping regularly, eating every 3-4 hours instead of every 3-4 minutes. And that I was able to determine what she needed when she cried or anticipate what it was before she started to get upset. And that brought immense joy. Now I know that the hard part is only temporary.*
And yes. I am totally focused on enjoying Lyla right now. She’s at such an amazing and awesome stage. She interacts. She listens. She’s starting to communicate with sign-language. She’s crawling and pulling up and walking with her push toy. She doesn’t need to be rocked to sleep. She’s babbling with intonation in her voice. Familiar intonation. My intonation.
This week her teacher called me at work. Naturally my heart was in my throat when I saw daycare’s number pop-up on my caller ID, but there was nothing wrong. In fact, Ms. J was just calling to let me know that the ice cream truck was going to be stopping at the school today and since Lyla and her friend D are the two oldest in the class, asopubgpauweh ptonamou lakjhsfiouwb……
!!!
I didn’t hear a word after she said “…two oldest in the class.”
No way is my baby, the one I dropped there just, like a MINUTE ago with her little bald head and her squeaky sounds and toothless smiles. The one that still needed to be swaddled and placed in a sleep positioner to nap. The one that was drinking just 4 ozs of breastmilk at each feeding that I had to pump every day. The one that just sat in the bouncy seat or swing in the swing and watched all those crawling and signing and pulling up babies move all around her. NO WAY IS THAT BABY THE OLDEST IN THE CLASS, LADY!
But she is. And now Ms. J wanted to know if that baby could have some ice cream. Because she is the oldest.
What happens when I have another baby? How do I spread my love and my attention between two? How could I POSSIBLY love another one as much as I love my Bean? It just doesn’t feel possible to love anything more than her. It can’t be. Or could it?
And so I ask myself, what’s next?
* Yes, I KNOW that you all told me that it was temporary and that it would get better, but here’s something for you. I WAS CONVINCED YOU WERE ALL LYING!
Good luck. I cant’ imagine making the conscious decision for #2. We knew we wanted 2…but we thought we would have to adopt a second time and there for needed time to save a million bucks again so we figured around the time Sabrina was 35 we would adopt our second. Then Miss Tessa made her miraculous appearance. If I was planning, I probably wouldn’t have done it that soon (they are 23 months apart). I was having so. much. fun. with Sabrina – I wasn’t excited about sharing. I liked her being my side kick, my pal. I could take her anywhere and she was just so easy going. And adding a second IS SO MUCH HARDER!!! It is like quadruple the work not double.
BUT despite a hard first 6 months (and last 3 months of pregnancy), it is fun having 2. We are finally getting to the point (Tessa is 11 months) that the girls are starting to play together and laugh together and giggle and hug and kiss and Sabrina wants to take care of Tessa – ack! It ALMOST makes me want a 3rd one. I see other little tiny babies and realize I will never have that again and my uterus aches a little.
Michelle Smiles´s last blog ..Updates on the girls
July 3rd, 2009 | #
I knew I was done after just one, so I am no help! Tough decision – all I can say is make it for YOU not because of pressure from friends, family, and random strangers!
AnnetteK´s last blog ..bummer
July 3rd, 2009 | #
My husband and I have always said we wanted our kids close in age (like, 15-18 months close), but now we’re here, the Stink is 6 months old and I find myself asking these same questions…how could I love another one as much? Is it fair to Keaton? etc. etc. I too wonder what’s next. Great post!
Kate´s last blog ..Hodgepodge: Vacation recap, rice cereal, Point 5, SYTYCD
July 3rd, 2009 | #
Well my dear you’re in this one on your own. I will eat pickles with you at every opportunity.
Cass´s last blog ..Donna.
July 3rd, 2009 | #
It kills me to read the words “how people my age are done having kids” when I haven’t even gotten started. And then I wonder how I got to be so old that I can actually even be bummed out by such a thing. Some days I feel like my life is a monumental backwards mess, that if I were a baseball player, I would be Julio Lugo. Just sayin. Sigh.
Dawn´s last blog ..as irony would have it, i live in a place where it’s Summer eight out of every twelve months.
July 3rd, 2009 | #
You are scaring the crap out of me.
July 4th, 2009 | #
All of your observations kill me. But…. Our Princess is one of the few babies that I’d call beautiful, charming, and (stealing something my EHH once told me) seeing her smile makes you want to smile right back at her. Enjoy these times, gurl- the days are long but the years are so SO short…
July 5th, 2009 | #
Oh, I know. I KNOW. I have been having these same thoughts (and actually wrote about it a few weeks back). I’ve been thinking and wondering and worrying over this too, and I don’t think I’m ready yet but MAN I know for sure that there is another baby out there for us…
I really can’t imagine loving another baby the way I love Maddie, but everyone says that your heart just makes room. Which makes me worry about whether I’ll just go absolutely insane with TWO that I love that much, oh my goodness.
bessie.viola´s last blog ..a dramatic reading, courtesy of Madeline
July 6th, 2009 | #
I always described this kind of feeling as being in limbo. and limbo SUCKS. I know it is lame to tell you that you guys will know, but you just will. =)
McCashew´s last blog ..Firecracker
July 7th, 2009 | #