I wrote this letter to a friend of mind who will remain nameless, that finally came to her senses and joined us in rooting for the Best Baseball Team Ever. The Boston Red Sox.

Dear Recovering Yankee Fan:

Welcome to Red Sox Nation! The below information will gradually familiarize you with the Greatest Team in Baseball while slowly stripping you of any pin-stripe affiliation. We realize that the journey may be difficult at first, but with the help of fellow Nation members as well as the entertaining call of Jerry Remy (better known as Remdawg) and Don Orsillo, we’re confident that you will never look back.

Please begin The Program immediately. While full completion by Friday would be ideal since we’ll be playing them, we understand it may take some time.

Throughout the program, please exercise kindness. While terms like “gay-Rod”, “The EE (Evil Empire)” and “The Skankees” are thrown around The Nation quite often, we don’t condone them. Especially for you since you live thick in enemy territory. Hatred breeds hatred. Sox fans rise above. (Unless you’re sitting in the Bleachers at Fenway)

Step 1: Digital Music Overhaul
Download the following music to your iTunes library and memorize the significance of each song:
1. “Dirty Water” by The Standells. This song is played at Fenway after each home victory. The most important phrase to shout: BOSTON, YOU’RE MY HOME!
2. “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. This song is played in the 8th inning at Fenway. Please add lines to the chorus such as BUM BUM BUM and SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD.
3. “Tessie” by The Dropkick Murphys. This song is played after “Dirty Water”. There was significance in the early 1900′s that still carries it’s magic today.
4. “I’m Shippin Up To Boston” by The Dropkick Muphys. This has become the famous closer, Jonathan Papalbon’s, personal anthem. Must have had something to do with his dance on the mound in 2007.

Step 2: Own the movie Fever Pitch
A copy will be provided to you as part of your Welcome Package. This movie must be watched multiple times and phrases memorized as they’re quoted frequently. The most important thing to remember, people like Ben REALLY DO EXIST. There was very little creative license taken with Jimmy Fallon’s character. And he, is teh awesome.

Step 3: Fan-sites Galore
Bookmark the following pages & add feeds to your Google reader
www.redsox.com – For videos, clips, news, and schedules
Basegirl hands down one of the funniest Sox blogs
Extra Bases good “second source” to redsox.com
Red Sox Dad his blog manages to combine Sox & raising 3 kids is almost always good for a laugh.

Step 4: Pack UP The Pinnies
Find a nice box, label it The Past, and store all your Yankee paraphernalia. If you don’t want to hang on to any of it, donating is totally acceptable. Also, since you have a poor defenseless 2-year old that will now be raised in a split-household, it’s important to keep her neutral while inside those walls. However, any time she comes to Auntie and Unc’s house, she can totally wear red. There is strength in numbers.

Step 5: Familiarize Yourself With History
This is an ongoing step. You know about The Curse, but you know it from that OTHER side. This is where you’ll need to use us. Don’t be afriad to ask questions. No question is stupid or unwelcome. Start here: Yastrzemski is pronounced YazTREMski or better yet, just Yaz.

Step 6: Social Media
Join the Red Sox fan pages on Facebook.
Follow the following tweeps on Twitter: @redsoxnow, @redsoxbot, @redsoxcast Since you won’t be able to get the games, these tweeps tweet the play by play.

Step 7: Learn the Lineup
This takes a couple of games, but you’ll catch on.
1. Dustin Pedroia, aka Dusty, Pedey, 2B
2. Jacoby Ellsbury, The Kid, OF
3. Kevin Youkilis, YOOOOOOOOOOK, 1B
4. David “Big Papi” Ortiz, DH
5. Jason Bay, JayBay, OF
6. JD Drew, Nancy Drew, JD Spew (when he’s off), The Glass OF, OF
7. Julio Lugo, E6 (this is not a compliment), SS
8. Mike Lowell, Mikey 3B
9. Jason Varitek, TEK, The Captain, Cap, C

Lugo basically sucks and is currently on the DL because Dawn went all Tonya Harding on him and whacked him in the knee (though she’ll deny it) during spring training. Jed Lowrie is the back up SS and he just had wrist surgery yesterday so he’s out. Nick Green is our back-up/back-up, and he’s had a solid first few games this year, but will wind up back on the bench since E6 is the official starter.

George Kottaras: Wake’s personal catcher because Tek can handle anything but that fickle knuckleball.
Rocco Baldelli: new OF backup for JD “The Glass OF” Drew

Step 8: Memorize the Pitching Rotation
Josh Beckett (our Ace. When he’s on, he’s ON)
Dice-K (Known to load em up in the first and give everyone a freaking heart attack before striking out 3 in a row)
Jon Lester (special place in our hearts for this guy)
Tim Wakefield “Wake” (famous knuckleballer)
Brad Penny (It’s his rookie season on the Sox. I reserve judgment)

And the bullpen is full of awesomeness. When at home, they have a little band out there tapping on the canopy of the pen.
Manny DelCarmen, aka Manny Del, MDC
Justin Materson, he’s usually first to start if someone ends up on the DL
Javier Lopez
Hideki Okajima, aka Jeemer, Okey. He’s the one that never looks where he’s throwing. Visiting announcers LOVE to talk about this. It gets OLD.
Jonathan Papelbon, J-Pap, Paps, Lights Out. No one-line explanation will do him justice.

New guys Takashi Saito ans Ramon Ramirez have started off strong.
Warning Labels: on MDC (Dr Jekyll & My Hyde) and Lopez (can cause throwing things at the TV when he’s brought in to get out two specific batters as a lefty specialist & somehow he leaves with no outs & two men on)

Step 9: Fenway Park
The next time you’re in Boston, you must do a tour. The history is rich and the park is fantastic.
Some park landmarks to know:
The Green Monster – DUH. No explanation needed.
Peske’s Pole – The foul pole in right field.
Yawkee Way, Lansdowne Street – The cross streets in which the park sits.
Cask n Flagon – Ground Zero for Sox fans. It’s the bar right across Lansdowne.
Wally, the Green Monster. The official mascot of the Boston Red Sox.

Step 10: Hail to The Chief, Red Sox Manager Terry Francona
Better known as Tito. Famous for the 47-million pieces of Double Bubble he chews during games. his rocking motion that happens when things get tight, putting a pitcher on a specific pitch count plan for the day & then driving you crazy with it either pulling a pitcher that doesn’t need to come out or leaving someone in waaaaaaay too long. There are also many mentions of his ulcers, but then again, maybe that’s just us.

Step 11:Become Acquainted with the Voices of The Red Sox
Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo have been the NESN broadcasting team for the last few years. Remy is a former Sox infielder and is known to share personal experiences throughout the games. Orsillo is a traditional broadcaster with a flare for the dramatic. Combine these two and you have a class act. Instead of wanting to go to sleep during games (I’m looking at you YES network), Don and Remy provide endless laughs and entertainment. They can make even blowouts bearable with ridiculousness like scanning the crowd for “interesting people” or discussing the path the moon takes across the sky or coming back from commercial laughing til they cry so that they can’t even call the game much less tell you what they’re laughing at. Jerry’s Boston accent and casual attitude, typically dressed in nothing fancier than a golf shirt and khakis, balances Orsillo’s traditional and stereotypical broadcasting background with the perfect voice-over voice and business suit at every game.

Step 12: Start Dropping Your R’s!
LET’S GO RED SOX. You’re now among the best fans, cheering for the best team, in the BEST CITY EVAHHHHHHHHHH!

WELCOME TO RED SOX NATION!

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