I have zero regrets on the path my life has taken. Zero. Sometimes it’s just nice to wonder what might have happened if I had changed a few of the small things.

If I could do it all again, I might have…

Taken a US History class. And payed attention.

Stayed home instead of going to drive my then boyfriend to work and rolling my Jeep after hitting an ice patch.

Not walked home from the bars through a bad neighborhood.

Lived on campus Senior year of college.

Moved home after college instead of trying to play grown-up.

Gone to University of Miami for grad school.

Continued to major in Journalism instead of getting scared into changing it by one asshole adjunct professor.

Been less ignorant.

Recycled more.

Gotten involved in politics.

Spent more time alone.

——-

Do you have any mulligans?

Warning: Contains Spoilers

I’m a fan of Jon & Kate plus 8 and I’m not afraid to admit it. I think he’s a total wimp and she’s a raging bitch, but I love the show. I admire her organization. Actually, I admire a LOT of things about her except the way she treats her husband.

TLC pushed a teaser for the season finale Monday night that was super misleading. The clips they showed mixed in with the interview set the scene for Jon & Kate to be splitting up. If you’d seen the story that broke a couple weeks ago about Jon’s gallivanting with volleyball players, this was an easy conclusion to draw. Plus, have you heard the way she talks to that guy? Who tolerates that kind of shit?

But no, that wasn’t it. They’re still very much together (poor bastard), but they are having different feelings about continuing the show. Jon “is frustrated”. Kate? Loves what she’s doing. This could spell trouble. From what we I can deduce of the Kate we see on TV, she’s not the type of person to give up doing something she loves just because Jon’s unhappy and this was evident during their interview portions the other night.

I couldn’t help but somehow empathize with Jon. I can see how it’s too much. It’s a lot of pressure. He does always has to be someone else. He can’t be just Jon. He must live in scrutiny all the time. And the first thing I would say to him if I ever saw him in a bar would be, “Dude. Get a set of balls.”

(However, his doormat behavior definitely allows me to remind my husband often how lucky he is NOT to be married to her! Thank you for THAT!)

I would be bummed if they choose not to continue the show, but I do understand how all things come to an end. TLC can’t exactly follow the sextuplets through college. Or maybe they can. Who knows.

Dear Lyla-Bean,

I could kick myself for not being more diligent and writing to you every month. Especially these last two months. You have just become a different baby. You’re turning into the little girl that you’re going to be before we know it. Today you are seven months old and like I say in every letter, I just can’t believe how fast the time has flown by.

You’ve mastered first foods. Right now Daddy and I are making all your food and using organic fruits and veggies whenever possible. I never thought I’d care about eating organic, but the more I educate myself about what we put in our bodies, the more I want something better for you. I’m sure this will change as you grow up, but for right now I take comfort in knowing I make the effort to give you what’s best. Your current menu consists of pears, apples, bananas, sweet potato, carrots, peas, and green beans. We mix about an ounce of the puree with your oatmeal or rice cereal and you just chow down. You’re a total foodie. And your marshmallow thighs are living proof!

You’re still exclusively breastfed. I’m toying with the idea of giving you one bottle of formula a day so that I can reduce my pumping times at work from 3 to 2. I go back and forth with this all the time. Is it selfish of me? Have I already done enough? Will you even notice? I’m not sure I’m ready yet, but it has been top of mind.

February was full of milestones. You got your first tooth and the second followed a week later. You learned to sit up by yourself. You have favorite toys and love to play with things that make noise. You’re still not rolling over on a regular basis. You’re not loving tummy time too much anymore either. You’d rather just sit and play with things that are within reach. This is completely fine with me as I’m well aware that soon I won’t be able to contain you at all. Right now I’m enjoying the time that I can get ready in the morning as you sit in the middle of our bed and play with an empty tissue box or the remote control.

At your 6-month appointment you weighed 16lbs 15ozs. You’re tracking perfectly and are in the 75th percentile for your weight and height. Your head is still in the 95th. We joke that it’s because you have inherited Daddy’s big squash, but I secretly know it’s because you’re so smart.

We went to Miami again to visit Gemma. She hadn’t seen you since Christmas and boy did she just love eating you up for 7 full days. You loved practicing your swimming while we were there and singing all the songs we sing in our swim classes at the Y. You are going to be such a little swimmer – just like Mommy. You just love the water.

We spent a day with Mema and Pop and they were also so grateful to spend time with you. You’re so loved, little girl. I hope one day you realize how special you are and how important you are to so many people. You made your Great-Mema so incredibly happy just sitting on her lap or smiling wide for her.

You started saying, Ma-Ma while we were in Florida. You tend to scream it when you first wake up or when you’re hungry, but you don’t yet do it when you see me or whenever I have the video camera out. I guess the readers of this blog are just going to have to take my word for it for now.

You haven’t been feeling well the last couple of days. You had strep-throat and now you’re fighting a cold. The antibiotics you were on have done a number on your sensitive little belly and your reflux has been acting up. You get pretty upset when you’re trying to sleep and the pain wakes you up. Mommy and Daddy hate this so we’ve been softies at night and have been bringing you in to bed with us and I’ve been letting you nurse if you want. It seems to calm you down for a little while. There’s just nothing we won’t do to keep you from being sad.

You’re the most special little girl. You’re so happy and well behaved (as long as you’ve napped and you’ve been fed). You’re growing up so fast and Daddy and I are big dorks and get all emotional whenever you do something new. You sat in a high chair in a restaurant for the fist time this weekend and we couldn’t stop talking about how big it was for us to see you sitting there instead of in your car seat or in someone’s lap. I can’t seem to stop time no matter how hard I try so instead I soak it in and do my best to cherish your every smile, every giggle, every squeal of excitement. I love you more every day. Just when I think my heart is just so full of love for you, you look at me and smile and I just burst. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I thank God every day for giving you to us. A true gift.

I love you, my sweet girl.
Mama

After my short update yesterday I started writing a longer, more elaborate post on how and why I feel the way that I do about blogging, but what I found while writing it, is that it’s not just blogging I’m torn-up about. It’s more than that.

I love to write. I NEED to write. Sometimes putting it on paper (or into a little box on the WordPress platform) is the only way for me to process things. It’s my therapy. It’s definitely not the writing that’s the problem.

It’s overload.

I have a full time job, a two hour commute, a baby, a husband, a house, and two lazy cats.

I have a blog, a twitter account, a Facebook account, a Flickr account, a Linked-In profile, two email accounts, and 98 subscriptions in my google reader.

I, like you, only have 24 hours in a day.

It’s all relative, but when it comes down to it, I can’t effectively manage it all anymore. The first paragraph of “haves” I can’t control. These are the facts of my life. The second paragraph are things that I choose to have, but things that used to really enhance my life and I’m not sure they do that anymore.

I love(d) being a blogger, meeting new people, getting creative with my Tweets, digging up old friends on Facebook, reading about the thoughts and lives of others, etc. I’ve “met” so many people online that I talk about with my IRL friends and family just like they are a person I speak to or see every day – yet they’re someone I’ve never actually met in person.

I haven’t written a real blog entry in nearly a month, before that it was a three week hiatus. I barely check Flickr once a week. I haven’t uploaded anything to Flickr in months! I expected to be able to do all of it. But now I feel like something has to give.

So I wind up in these funks. These, Does It Really Matter funks. A place where I don’t want to give up any of it, but it’s impossible to keep up with everything. What winds up happening is a total shut-down.

I think the answer might be to stop thinking about it and let it roll. From the 10 people that commented on yesterday’s post, it appears as though some of you still care about what we’re up to. That makes me warm and fuzzy inside. The rest of you? I’m guessing you’re sick and tired of my fucking whining.

I have a lot to say. I have four drafts staring at me in the corner over there. I have about fourteen more swirling around in my head. But when it comes down to sitting down and putting it together or snuggling with my baby on the couch for a few minutes before she goes to bed, I will always pick the latter.

Balance. I must find you.

… why I can’t seem to make blogging a priority.

… if Twitter, the “micro-blogging” tool is what killed my blog.

… if anyone really cares what I have to say anyway.

… why I get hurt when I realize someone’s un-followed me on Twitter or un-friended me on Facebook.

… why this is the only thing in my life that I do for which I’m seeking some sort of acknowledgment or validation.

… if I just deleted it all, would anyone notice?