Or alternate post title: The Angel and Devil on their respective shoulders.

“I have 400 pound people that can do Jumping Jacks. So can you.”
What I think: “Die! You Nazi Jumping Jack bitch! Ow. My KNEE!”
What I say: “Yes. Right. Okay. I can do it.”

“Wanna do something this weekend?”
What I think: “As long as that something involves nothing. And slippers.”
What I say: “Sure.”

“Is Lyla sleeping through the night?”
What I think: “No. And my kid isn’t your kid so STFU.”
What I say: “She can go 4-6 hours at a clip.”

“You’re still nursing? Wow.”
What I think: “I have no fucking idea why I do this, but I do. And I don’t need your input.”
What I say: “Yup! It’s not easy!”

“Are you capable of getting anywhere on time?”
What I think: “Suck a teet. And then you try getting a baby and yourself out of the house on time.”
What I say: “Hee! Nah. I’m just chronically late. It’s who I am.”

“What are you doing this weekend?”
What I think: “My house is GD wreck, I haven’t gotten my eyebrows waxed since December, ditto for the pedicure, I seriously need to go to the gym, and I have about 10 loads of dirty laundry to do.”
What I say: “Nothing, you?”

“Are you ever going to update your blog design?”
What I think: “It’s too damn complicated. I’ve tried and I just get defeated and frustrated. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!”
What I say: “Hmm. Yeah. I should do that!”

“I need to tell you about x-drama, x-problem, x-person, x-project-gone-wrong.”
What I think: “Seriously? Do I have Dr. Phil stamped on my forehead?”
What I say: “Okay, I’m all ears.”

“You’re a great mom. And your daughter is beautiful.”
What I think: “I try my damn hardest and it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Thank GOD for those adorable toothless smiles!”
What I say: “Thank you. That means everything.”

Dear Lyla,

I never meant to be on an every other month letter writing schedule, but it seems to be the latest trend. Today you are 5-months old. I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed.

These last two months of your life have been jam packed with excitement and firsts. You seem to have a new trick every day. You’re laughing and smiling without being prompted. You’re content to play by yourself for a bit. You perk up whenever Mommy & Daddy come into the room. You’ve started rolling over, have become a little ticklish, and have little giggle fits. You totally dig bath-time now which makes Mommy and Daddy so happy. It’s no longer a huge stressful part of the day. Instead, we actually enjoy it! You’ve always known what you want and don’t want. Your little personality is truly developing more and more.

It’s been a really cold winter and we’ve had a lot of snow. We took you out in your first snowstorm after the snow had cleared out and the sun came out. We took some great pictures of you. You seemed to enjoy the cool air on your cheeks even though you were bundled up. We can’t wait until next year when we can drag you around in a sled and build snowmen.

On December 1st, you started going to school a few days a week. Yes, we know you’re just a baby, but we’ve just taken to calling it school. There are teachers. There’s an actual curriculum. You get daily report cards. It’s school. And you love it. You always have big smiles for your teachers every day. You get so excited to see them and come home with notes about how smiley you were and how much you loved singing songs and dancing with your friends. As hard as it is for me to leave you, I take great comfort knowing you enjoy where you are and that you’re loved.

Your first Christmas wasn’t as fantastic as we would’ve liked it to be. I guess it’s good that you won’t remember. You were so sick, little girl. You had a bad cold and virus with a hideous cough and spontaneous fever. It lasted over two weeks. Daddy and I were so sad for you. Your doctors kept such a close eye on you though – with visits just about every other day. The antibiotics made you sicker, the fever kept creeping higher. Your cough would make you so upset. Finally we borrowed Lil Foot’s nebulizer and voila. Within 24-hours you were SO much better. We hope it’s a long while before we have to go through that again. A VERY long while.

So far, the new year has been very good to us. You rolled over for the first time on January 3rd. You did it from your tummy to your back two times in a row! But then you decided to take a few weeks off and we’ve been trying to get you to do it consistently ever since. You’re just not a performer. You like to do things on your own terms.

You love to watch The Backyardigans. It’s your favorite. We like to think you relate to the music because we played so much music for you while you were in Mommy’s tummy. There’s something about your backyard friends that just calms you and makes you so happy. The first few notes of the song can quiet you from even the most ridiculously loud screaming. Daddy bought you some of the stuffed animals. Your favorite one is Uniqua.

Probably the most important milestone happened just yesterday. You had a taste of your first rice cereal. You LOVED it. You ate every drop like a pro. You would have thought you had been eating cereal all along. We were so proud of you! We have it all on video and can’t wait to show you what a good eater you were when you become a picky toddler.

There are so many more things I’d love to tell you about. Things like how you went to your first hockey game this weekend. How you love to pet Booger, the cat. How you smile with your entire body whenever you see Gemma and Grandpa on Mommy’s computer (thank you, Skype). However, you’re awake now and I need to go scoop you out of your crib snuggle you and comfort you (and most likely nurse you) until you’re ready to settle in for the night. As much as I’d love for you to sleep 12-hours straight, you’re not ready yet. That’s okay, for now. Because I just love to spend time holding you and snuggling with you. I know those days are numbered.

Baby girl, you’re the most special thing in the world to me. Your smile lights up my day. You’re such a happy baby. We had a rough start, but things have improved leaps and bounds. I don’t remember what my life was like before you, but I know it couldn’t have been as fulfilling and rewarding as it is each day I wake up to your little face.

I love you, Lyla Bean.
Love,
Mama

Dear Lyla,

I had a very intense and long post written in my head for you. One to tell you about how historic and amazing a day today has been. What this really means for our country, the inauguration of President Barack Obama.

The truth is, there really aren’t any words that could fully describe to you what it was like to witness this historic event. Part of my wishes you were old enough to understand it. And then part of me thinks that you’re at the perfect age. That you’ll never know a world other than that of acceptance and equality. That when you’re my age, you’ll look back and it will be foreign to you to think of this country as anything other than what it is today. Full of hope. Full of love. Full of pride.

I can’t write that letter right now. Because I’m partly still overwhelmed by excitement and joy at this amazing turn of events. But also because you’re being a total pain in the ass and will not go to sleep so you’re laying next to me screaming bloody murder as I type.

Today has meant so much. I will never forget it and one day we’ll talk about exactly how far we’ve come.

I love you.
Mama

I totally plan to blog about this historic day later tonight (of course when I plan, God laughs), but for now, I bring you this: My first foray into iMovie. I must say, I’m pretty damn impressed with myself.

Do you have hug rules? Guidelines? Standards?

I like hugs. I really do. I like to be hugged and I like to return the favor, but there’s always a level of awkwardness when hugging someone for the first time. A sort of strange, uncomfortable, boundary crossing feeling that could leave you walking away thinking, “Shit. Why’d I have to go and hug them”

My Dad? HUGE hugger. My Mom? Not so much. I’m somewhere in the middle.

I started thinking about all the new people I’m going to meet at BlogHer09. And I’m thinking, well even though this is the first time I’m physically meeting these people, I feel like I’ve known them for like ever! And I already call them all my friends so what are the rules on the hug? WHAT IF THEY’RE NOT HUGGERS!? (And this is the shit I think about in the middle of the night when my kid won’t sleep.)

I have compiled my thoughts/neurosis/hug anxiety into the following. Feel free to share your thoughts on each.

The Colleague Hug
Typically this is a no-no what with ugly office rumors and sexual harassment cases, etc. However, I was out on maternity leave for 16-weeks and when I went back to work, people hugged me! Being a hug fan, I didn’t really mind it, but during the actual hug my head was all wrapped up in, “OMG this is weird and what if this isn’t allowed, and crap, should I really be hugging this person? And oh no! What if they can tell I’m weirded out!”

The Peer Pressure Hug
Situation: Your friends are having a gathering at their house where there are other couples you’ll be meeting for the first time. When introduced to them you either shake hands or awkwardly wave across the room while busying your hands with something else. You spend the entire night socializing, goofing off, joking and laughing with everyone – new people included. It comes times to leave and you, of course, hug your friends – the hosts – and then you’re faced with it. The, “Shit. I just met this person/people. I just hugged the rest of the room. I’m on a hug roll. What the hell do I do now?” And because you think it would be even more awkward to put the brakes on the hugging and go back to the awkward wave, you go for it. And you wind up with the stiff as a board, one arm, little back pat in return. This? SUCKS. You no doubt leave wondering if they’ll forever call you the Personal Space Invader behind your back.

The Full Disclosure Hug
Consider the same situation above only instead when the time comes for the decision to hug or not to hug, you declare, “I’m going to hug you now, okay?” This is by far the DUMBEST thing to say. You didn’t just put the person at ease, you just totally made them FREAK the EF out! And now they’re stumbling for something to say. Something in between, “Um, okay?” and “No, really. You don’t have to.” This makes the whole awkward hug experience ten times more awkward.

The Air-Kiss/No Hug Movement
Somewhere around 1998, the huggers started to be replaced by the Air-Kissers. I STILL have a hard time grasping this whole concept. I struggle with the rules around hugging and I’m pretty sure there’s a WHOLE ‘NOTHER set of rules around the Air-Kiss. From what I can gather, 1) if you Air-Kiss, there’s no hug necessary and 2) the handshake/Air-Kiss move is more acceptable on the first meeting than a hug. Other than this? I know nothing. And I’m not even sure these assumptions are remotely close to correct. What’s your take?

The Prefer-Not-To-Be-Touched People
I have one thing to say about these folk. REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE. More than once, I’ve fallen into these horribly bad situations where I hug someone and am met with the cold fish (ew) response only to remember that, yeah, I’ve done that before. Take notes. Don’t hug a non-hugger twice.

So what are your hug rules? Are you a Hugger or an Air-Kisser? Do you have a statute of limitations on how long you have to know someone before the embrace? And most importantly, if I see you at BlogHer, am I allowed to hug you?